June 2021

My mind hasn’t been able to settle because everything is a muddle. So this is my muddle post, because June 2021 is the month that everything has changed. I’ve exhausted myself with ideas but for continuity I need to mark this time. I need something to stay the same and 2021 is the year that I write one blog post a month. So, that dear reader is what I will do. This one is for me.

I moved 550 miles to somewhere I thought I knew. But while I’ve been on my little life treadmill change has been in the air. Now that we have more freedom to breath, I notice people desperately fighting for things to return to what they were and others fighting for new. But I don’t know which camp I belong to. It’s such a cliché but I’ve taken on this title of mum and with it my whole identity has morphed. I found a lace see-through bodysuit when I was moving. A few years ago I wore it without a bra and just a pair of shorts. I’ve kept it. When I’m ready, I’ll let it go. Change brings about goodbyes, which is sad but I know change isn’t always a bad thing. I sought change because nothing is ever perfect yet I can’t help but strive for perfection. It's my way. So I need change to bring flux and motion and progress.

But now, I’m grieving the things that I didn’t want to change. The sacrifices.

People are daring to ask each other how it’s been and I realise I found real peace in the depth of the pandemic. That sounds selfish as people were dying, I know. But I’ve never allowed myself to slow down and when the world forced me to, I found it easy. But I had just had a baby and it’s impossible to separate those experiences. There was no FOMO for me because the most important thing was happening right there, in my body, in my house. Everything outside was miserable. But before the pandemic I didn’t live in a miserable world. Or rather, my world wasn’t miserable. I didn't expect to bring a baby into a miserable world.

So it is my responsibility to show him joy. I need to find my place by taking baby steps in a new, joyful world. Soon enough, I’ll be up and running again and I’ll forget to slow down.

So, for now that’s what I’ll do. Slow down. Do less. There are no epiphanies here. No eureka moments. Just pause. This is my space to be. In being, I’m looking for a piece of me*. A piece that I recognise and that I like and that I can take forward into my new world. I certainly don’t want a now well used nip to slip but maybe with a tweak here or a cover-up there that lace body suit can give me the support I need to be a new version of the old me. A new me in this new place. It’s a lot to ask of New Look though.

Perhaps I am hanging onto something that isn’t fit for my purpose anymore? But when the time is right, I'll give it up. And a lovely new pair of tits can occupy that space.

*Sidenote… have you been keeping up with Britney? What a fucking disaster zone this world is. Follow her story and tell me the patriarchy doesn’t exist.